Given the lack of popularity of my reviews on Zomato and how I seek validation above all else, I thought I'd review this restaurant as if judging contestants on Masterchef - and using Mel as inspiration, since she's such a successful food critic.

MEL: "For your first dish, you were asked to serve an appetiser that heroed dough and capers. Now, Alba, your dish was incredibly crispy; the dough on the outside was fried to perfection and I think I can speak for Jock and Andy that you truly captured the rustic texture that we all love in Salentinian cuisine. That being said, the flavours were slightly lacking. Whilst the freshness of the olives echoed throughout each bite, stuffing capers and tomatoes into the dough itself was slightly underwhelming."

*ANDY interrupts*: "Yeah, sorry mate, it just wasn't a bangin' dish of food."

MEL: "Next up, we asked for a gorgeous bouquet of Italian classics like Aglio e Olio, Eggplant Parmigiana, and Linguine Allo Scoglio. Your parmigiana was gooey, sticky, rich, and successfully accentuated both the richness of the tomatoes and the mellow umami of the eggplant -"

JOCK: "That was SPOT on. I coul'n't ge' enough ovit."

MEL: "The Aglio e Olio surprised us with its creamy, luscious, garlicky goodness that just coated your tongue. Despite the small portion size, it was delicious, and it reminded us of a comforting southern Italian favourite. Also, that chilli ice-cream on the top packed a punch in the flavour department. It was honestly mind-blowing talent."

ANDY: "Yeah, really well done mate."

MEL: "Finally, the Linguine. It was a horrific delight of ocean gems tossed around by waves of salt. Unfortunately, it couldn't whisper its way into our hearts because the saltiness in combination with the colour, movement and texture just didn't harmonise with the delicateness of the seafood."

JOCK: "It was just too salty mate, and we know seafood already is salty."

ANDY: "It just wasn't a good plate of food."

*And as ANDY stands with his feet slightly too wide apart, leaning forward and holding you with a death-stare, you realise that Alba is a pretty decent restaurant but perhaps not particularly highbrow.*